WATER STILL WET: This Week’s Top 5 Most Pointless Headlines

Another week has come and gone, and despite a number of compelling storylines, many news purveyors (those with a penchant for the pointless) still managed to clog up our news feeds with worthless stories. So, once again, please allow me to bring you the best selection of utterly unnecessary headlines Al Gore’s internet had to offer this week:

1. "John McCain Can Stop This Healthcare Bill" (The Huffington Post)

John McCain, pretend Republican, ruiner of all that is good, and spoiler of dreams (which should be his Game of Thrones title), may once again hold the keys to the kingdom in the now-likely-to-be-cancelled health care vote. Everyone here knows Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, both of whom are basically Democrats, are voting against the bill. Rand Paul has come out in opposition to the bill as well, but even if he could have been flipped, as he was on "skinny repeal," it would have come down to McCain. The article amusingly delves into whether McCain’s BFF status with Lindsay Graham could impact his vote. And … to no one’s surprise, McCain comes through for the Democrats.

2. "Trump's Lawyer Denies Collusion With Russia In 2016 Election" (Reuters)

Oh, excuse me folks … I’m being told that another massive development has just unfolded. Our sources are now reporting that Rachel Maddow still doesn’t believe Trump or his lawyer either. Wow, truly shocking stuff.

3. "France Apparently Has A Problem With Macho Men" (The Daily Caller)

Oftentimes, people are afraid of what is “other” to them. This is no different. The lack of real, “toxic” masculinity in France (besides Van Damme, obviously) has made them terrified of the concept. The Daily Caller notes that, “according to Macron and his Gender Equality cabinet member Marlene Schiappa, French men are too manly.”

Yeah … ok.

The article continues, “They’ve become so dangerous that women don’t feel safe dressing or walking how they please. Which is surprising, as most French men and women dress alike. Gender equality at its finest.”

The cheese eating surrender monkeys may as well wave their white flags now, because they just got scorched by the Caller.

4. "Shia LaBeouf Claims Fight With 'Racist' Bartender Was Free Speech" (Page Six)

His lawyer’s claim that LaBeouf’s rant was protected free speech may be true. Regardless, you just know Even Stevens will be back out at some anti-western values protest within a matter of weeks chanting “speech is violence” with the other lefty nutcases.

5. "$1.8M Stolen In Minutes After Couriers Leave Keys In Van Outside Bank" (AJC)

This just in: leaving your van running outside a bank after visibly removing bags of money from it is a bad idea.

Sure, the car was running and left unattended for 15 minutes, but at least the couriers locked the door. The burglar had to break the window to enter the vehicle, so he had to work for it a little.

Authorities found the van, but surprise, surprise, no sign of the cash.

I’m sure next week will be quite busy with hurricanes, the health care vote, more talk of DACA, and of course, "Rocket Man," but be sure to keep an eye peeled for those innocuous, valueless stories; sometimes they’re the most fun.


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