Water Still Wet: This Week’s Best Unnecessary Headlines

There’s no question that Google and North Korea stole the show this week when it came to news. Everywhere I looked, the mainstream media was either espousing rhetoric that all but prophesied nuclear war, or they were embracing corporate fascism, thunderously applauding Google’s renewed vow to crush ideological dissent. There were other stories though, which were not quite so shocking. You might even say they were totally unnecessary.

1. We Have A Political Problem No One Wants To Talk About: Very Old Politicians (Vox)

I want to talk about this! The article focuses heavily on John McCain (R-AZ) (who I agree is a bit long in the tooth to still be serving the country), but let’s start with Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who turned 84 in June and is currently the oldest United States Senator. If she chooses to run for reelection, she will be 91 years old by the time she leaves office in 2024. I’m not particularly comfortable with the idea of a 91-year-old behind the wheel of a car, much less voting on policy that will determine the future of our country.

Then there’s our favorite socialist, Bernie Sanders, who has not ruled out a 2020 Presidential run. If Sanders was to win America’s highest office, he would be 83 years old by the time his first term ended. If after his first term, the country was still standing by some miracle, a second term would see the Vermont Senator turn 87.

2. Kylie Jenner Is Rich, Like, Really Rich (Huffington Post)

Her last name is Jenner, of course she has money. The article addresses the growth of her cosmetics line, which has apparently generated $420 million in sales since the product line was launched, but lip balm or not, 19-year-old Kylie was never going to be slumming it.

3. Pilotless Planes Are Coming, But No One Wants To Be On Them (Fox News)

I read this article, and couldn’t stop picturing Otto, the inflatable auto-pilot from Airplane! According to the story, out of the 8,000 people polled on the subject, only a pitiful 17% said they felt comfortable flying thousands of feet above the ground in a metal death trap. What’s the issue here? It’s not like computers ever crash, get viruses or malfunction.

While we’re on the subject of self-flying machines, I have a great name suggestion for a new airline using this technology: Skynet!

Really, what could go wrong?

4. Baltimore Murder Crisis: 2 Deaths On 'Nobody Kill Anybody' Weekend (Fox News)

You’re not trying to tell me that asking people nicely not to kill each other doesn’t work, are you?

According to the article, Corneilius Scott, from Mothers of Murdered Sons and Daughters, addressed the deaths by finding a silver lining. He said, “I would point to Friday. There were no killings on Friday, and how often does that happen?”

It’s unbelievably sad to me that the metric for crime fighting success in Baltimore is a single day where no one died by violence.

The 24-hour news cycle can be a wonderful thing. Valuable news is delivered at hyper speed with a few clicks on a keyboard. Occasionally though, news outlets miss the mark and report news that isn’t news at all. When that happens, news also becomes entertainment, and that can be a wonderful thing.

Tyler Dahnke is a father, husband and wine enthusiast who's doing his best to make sense of today's insane political landscape. You can follow him on Twitter @tylerdahnke.

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