Democrat Party officials say they are now facing a critical shortage of intimidating insults with which to silence people who have opposing opinions. According to Democrat Vladimir Mohammed Jihad Lenin Chu Mohammed, Chairman of the Leftist Agency of Derogatory Intimidation, or LADDIE — or LADY, depending on your pronouns — the shortage could endanger Joe Biden’s chances of re-election in the event he comes back to life before November.
Mr. Lenin Chu Mohammed spoke to The Daily Wire on condition of anonymity, saying, “We started by calling conservatives racist, but that made it sound like hating white people might be a bad thing. So we moved on to calling them Hitler, but then we found out that Hitler believed in authoritarian government, imprisoning dissenters, and hating Jews, which is our entire platform. Finally, we tried calling them Christian Nationalists, but then we discovered that means people who believe in God and love their country, which turns out to be almost everybody except us. If we don’t come up with a new intimidating insult soon, we won’t be able to silence opposition and we’ll be forced to try to rationalize our policies, which obviously would be a disaster.”
An unnamed Democrat source named Sergei Mohammed Wong Nikita Jihad says Democrat strategists have been working around the clock to come up with a brilliant new plan to replenish their supply of intimidating insults by using words that mean absolutely nothing so they can’t be turned against them. In a memo leaked by an anonymous Democrat source named Rashida Ilhan Alexandria Tucker Carlson, the unnamed LADDIE-or-LADY chairman Lenin Chu Mohammed writes, “In the past, meaningless words have worked well for the Democrat party. We used such sentences as ‘The border is secure,’ ‘trans-women are women,’ ‘the demonstrations are mostly peaceful,’ and ‘George Floyd was an innocent man murdered by racist police’ in which certain words were completely devoid of any recognizable meaning, like the words ‘secure,’ ‘women,’ ‘peaceful’ and ‘innocent man murdered by racist police.’”
Thus, in the hope of preventing future shortages of intimidating insults, the LADDIE or LADY is proposing that Democrats simply start hurling complete gibberish at their opponents in angry voices that make it sound insulting.
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For instance, a proposed Joe Biden speech was leaked by an anonymous source close to LADDIE or LADY named Fang Fang Jihad Tucker Vladimir Ilhan Stalin. The Biden speech says: “Never before have we faced so great a threat to ka-boob-acy as the rise of radical far-right Maga scabadabalism in the halls of rinky-tinkadum. Since the founding of this great ka-boob-nik rinkytinkadum has rejected scabadalism in the name of all that’s kaboo-bastic, but now scabadalists are thralling every sconus of kaboobacy’s tinkadum until the very swillingforth of sentastic fillemup tooters on the flink of shooga-boogacy. This admino-groin will unthrall the scabadabs from kaboob-nik’s rinkytinks and restore kaboobik wumpas of sheroob-adum or my name is not Joe Biden, if that is my name.”
This proposed speech was later withdrawn when it turned out Biden had already said something similar in off-the-cuff remarks he had made to a 12-year-old girl while he was chasing her around the room trying to smell her hair.
As the shortage of intimidating insults moves toward crisis, an anonymous source within the DNC named Ubersturmfuhrer Hamas von Mao tse Sanders Pressley-Ramirez, says the party is exploring more radical options, like trying to justify their policies to sentient human beings with the capacity for reason, or if that’s not possible, then just to leftist women, or if even they’re too intelligent, maybe just the CEO of NPR.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mister Miss Uberstormfuhrer Pressley-Ramirez told The Daily Wire, “We figure, hey, we convinced our voters the climate is a crisis, killing babies is a human right, butchering children will change their sex, and Joe Biden wasn’t making money off his family’s influence peddling business, we might also get them to believe we’re turning the country to crap for a good reason. We just have to explain that high food prices help you lose weight or that letting unchecked illegals flood the country will make it easier to find a gardener who’ll murder your mother-in-law. After all, these people voted for us. How smart can they be?”
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.