According to the leftwing Politico, Democrats are attending classes to learn tips on "how to talk to real people." Politico only fabricates damaging stories to hurt Republicans, so this must be true. As someone who was a Democrat until his mid-twenties, as someone who grew up in a working class household, as someone who was once a member of the working class, let me see if I can't help.
Democrats want to better relate to the "real people" who helped elect President Trump, here is the best advice I can offer…
1. Step Away From the Pussy-Hats
This isn't even a joke. What were you morons thinking running around all weekend on national television with your heads sticking out of cardboard vaginas? Listen, I'm the most live-and-let-live guy you're ever gunna meet. As long as it doesn't violate my rights or happen on my porch, how consenting adults live their lives is the least of my concerns.
If Democrats want to represent weirdos, fine.
But for the Party of Harry Truman to allow itself to be defined by humorless harpies wrapped in papier-mâché lady parts… Donald Trump thanks you, and I don't want to talk to you, because you're creeping me out.
2. Stop Hating Us
Parents who would rather not have a man in a skirt pee next to their young daughter are not Nazis.
You always talk to us as though we need correcting. It is not only insulting, it is authoritarian and sinister.
Until you stop hating us, our shields are going to be up. That is no way to have an honest conversation.
3. Stop Correcting Our Speech
Correcting someone's speech is bossy, except I'm not allowed to tell you that because "bossy" has been disallowed by your Speech Police.
How can we have an honest conversation if I constantly have to be on guard over words? Someone who is on guard all the time, someone who is worried you might have a seizure if they call an illegal immigrant an illegal immigrant, isn't going to open up to you.
And they sure as hell aren’t going to listen to you.
4. No One Wants to Talk to Elizabeth Warren
Senator Elizabeth Warren is a walking pussyhat.
In fact, I think her Indian name is "Shrieks with a Pussyhat."
"Real people" simply cannot relate to a joyless, elite, wealthy, urbane, elderly white woman who reminds them of their first wife. Replacing Hillary Clinton with Elizabeth Warren is like replacing New Coke with Zima.
Democrats have the hectoring old biddy vote in the bag. The face of your Party should be a Senator Joe Manchin. He represents the kind of people you want to attract.
5. You Are Not Superior
My least favorite people in the world are those who "escape" small town America and then look back on it with contempt, from their Manhattan Ivory Tower.
After years of working with my hands, in the outdoor heat and bitter cold, breaking my back… I figured out that this was not how I wanted to live my life. So I got out.
Here's the thing… What separates me from the modern-day Democrat is that I have nothing but admiration for the working class. I don't look back at those years or the people I worked with through a lens of contempt.
Write this cold truth down…
If artists and writers and journalists and pundits and actors and activists and teachers and comedians and late night television hosts, all disappear tomorrow, we would miss them but the world would keep right on turning.
Try to live one week without auto mechanics, plumbers, janitors, truck drivers, farmers, fishermen, garbage men, bus drivers, the guy who plows the snow, the men who melt steel and stock the shelves and tow your car.
These are the men and women who get up every morning to break their backs to keep our civilization intact. Compared to them, nothing you or I do matters. It is not even close.
You might not like the fact that they smoke Winstons, eat cheeseburgers, tell inappropriate jokes, own firearms, and prefer NASCAR over "Scandal," but damn your soft hands to hell for not respecting and admiring them.
The modern-day Democrat Party is now the Party of shouting others down.
You're too busy screaming RacistSexistHomophobeXenophobeRedneckDepolorable! to listen.
You are too busy signaling your own virtue to hear what I have to say.
7. Join Us
Here in my small North Carolina town, many of my neighbors have visited the big cities, and through the Internet, television and movies, we have all spent real time in your world. FACT: We know a whole lot more about your culture than you do ours.
We have been to your museums. When have you been to our NASCAR race?
We have visited and toured, and, even for a time, lived in your cities. Outside of a campaign stop, when have you spent real time in our town?
We have watched and enjoyed your foo-foo movies and television shows. When have you given our faith a real chance?
We have read your websites and watched your news channels. When have you engaged in a single activity that helps you relate to us? We know all about you. Now learn about us. Come. Join us. Not as a superior social scientist studying a specimen, but as a fellow human being.
Take a two-month leave. Rent a room in a small town. Get a temporary job at the Walmart. Eat at Bojangles. Try the Big Gulp. Buy a raffle ticket at the Church picnic. Put down the iPhone and sit on a porch.
Hate to pop your bubble, but YOU are the parochial, narrow-minded ones, not us.
8. Say What You Mean
"My househelper, a visually-impaired, Native American little person of color, who is a bit cerebrally-challenged but still an exceptional LGBTQQIP2SAA of differing sobriety, is now engaged in domestic incarceration."
Just say that your retarded, blind-drunk, gay, Indian-midget of a maid got married.
9. Stop Taking Classes On How to Talk to 'Real People'
In order to talk to real people, you have to be a real person.
Maybe start there.
Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC